Monday, February 12, 2018

My Whine For the Day

I've been sick for a long time. A REALLY long time.  Months. I noticed I wasn't feeling well the first part of October last year, but Nat was getting married. You can't be sick when your daughter is getting married. It's a Mom Rule. So I pretended I wasn't sick. And Nat got married. And I got pneumonia.

Last time I had pneumonia it was awful. I was also better after about three weeks. Six weeks after I was diagnosed this time, I was still incredibly ill and nothing seemed to be helping. And my choirs had several performances during this time, so I was not taking time off to rest. It was grueling and not helpful in the healing scheme of things.

I finally felt better about a week before Christmas. And then I got sick again. Some stupid virus. My hope was that it would visit and leave. It is now February. If that virus left, another moved in right away. I've been sick without a break. And I'm starting to feel very tired, very depressed, and completely unable to do things that are usually easy for me.

This is unusual. I'm used to feeling powerful and capable. I like to start new things. I enjoy keeping my house clean. I love to cook.

Not so now.

In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm nothing like the person most people know. I just want to rest. My house attests to this, as does my diet. It's been a while since I made a real meal. Which isn't to say I haven't bought ingredients. I have grand plans to make something healthy and delicious. Then I come home from work and think about pizza.

Work... that's another story.

There is a reason I do not have a music ed degree. I love to teach. I do not love to teach in the public school system. So why am I doing it?

1. I needed a job.
2. They needed a teacher.
3. They agreed to pay me a tolerable salary.
4. I didn't know I would get sick.

Every day is horribly difficult. It's one thing to deal with illness when you're alone. When you're in charge of a million students, it's a completely different story. I seriously hate getting up in the morning. I've never said that before. But I've never had a job I hated before.

I love the kids. I adore them. But circumstances are not great for teaching them right now. And I don't want to. I just want to get better.

The end.

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