Jealousy

Prior to going through therapy, I don't think I experienced this feeling. It requires that one feel somehow entitled to something, or that one aspires to something. I don't really know how to explain it, I guess. Perhaps the best way would probably be to explain my view of myself.

Vocationally: I felt that I was competent and capable, but not to the extent that I surpassed anyone else in any field. If I could do something, in my head, so could everyone else. I was unremarkable. Therefore, if someone achieved or was promoted or honored for something I had also worked on, it seemed completely logical that they would be lauded. Because I was unremarkable, there was no reason for me to believe that I might also be exemplary.

Socially: Feeling unremarkable bled through in this area, as well. I interacted with many people. I liked them. I believe they liked me. But I was just one of many. It was unlikely that I would be chosen for my company over anyone else. If I was present, I was welcome. If I was not, I was invisible. For awhile I struggled with this. It felt right to be invisible and colorless. But there was a part of me that was lonely. Aaron always chose me. I didn't really understand why. I supposed it was because I lived with him, so I was always there.

Creatively: I don't believe I felt unremarkable in this field until I met hundreds of others who were just as talented as I. I was an exceptional musician--but only compared to non-musicians. I was an excellent writer - in comparison with people who never write. I was an idea person, an inventive cook, a problem solver - until I was put up against those who actually embodied those attributes. And so, with time, I resumed my unremarkable role.

Being unremarkable removes one from the possibility of being amazing. Not being amazing negates the possibility of being chosen.

Time has presented me with people who see me differently from how I view myself. Some have indicated that they wish to choose me. I don't know how to feel about that.

There is a part of me that hopes they choose me because they actually do see something amazing in me; something that sparks creativity and excitement in themselves. But the overarching feeling is that they have become comfortable having someone unremarkable in their lives. I will always be less than they are. I am the perfect foil against which they stand out. And that's a completely uncharitable belief about people who love me. So perhaps the reality is that they accept my unremarkable-ness and love me in spite of it.

Which brings me to jealousy. It's difficult to feel envy when one doesn't really feel deserving of anything.

Except, occasionally, one of those people who say they love me points out another, truly remarkable person. They say why that person is admirable. And something inside of me wonders why I can't be admirable in some way, too. Maybe that's jealousy? I just don't know. But it makes me uncomfortable. It's a feeling I nip in the bud - not one I care to investigate very closely. But I think I feel it more often now, even though I'm not sure if that's what I'm feeling. This is all very confusing. But I'm left vulnerable and frightened when the feeling comes. I don't know what I'm frightened of, nor do I understand where the vulnerability is coming from.

My therapist always told me he found me amazing. I'm good at doing therapy. Somehow that doesn't seem to be a badge of honor anyone wants to wear. There were some crappy things that happened to me, but I'm very good at getting up in the morning, going to work, coming home, having dinner, sleeping through the night, and doing it all again the next day. That sounds very much like what everyone else in the world does. We all have things that cause us distress. We continue to live our lives. But it's nice that someone finds me amazing. He doesn't practice anymore, but he still lets me email him occasionally and ask him to remind me.

What Happened Next

I didn't get better for a very long time. I was ill until May, at which point, my sinuses had had it. I started getting nosebleeds that lasted longer and longer until I ended up in the ER where they tried several different ways to stop the blood and ended up shoving packing up my nose. The pain was immense. And when the packing was removed a few days later, the bleeding started again. Fortunately, I was being seen by an ENT who knew how to cauterize and who very gently removed the packing (still hurt beyond words).

And then I finally started getting better, probably because school was out and I was no longer being showered with germs from 500 students every day.

I started looking for a new job immediately. I couldn't face another year like the last one. And through the help of Gareth, I was able to land a job at the Huntsman Cancer Center. It was a pay cut, but the benefits (including retirement) were amazing. And I was now in the University of Utah health system which allowed me to see the surgeon of my choice about my ailing hip.

Today I'm 8 weeks post-surgery and sporting a matching set of bionic hips. Everything went well and I'm in the process rebuilding. I ran right up until the day of surgery. Now I'm focusing on bodybuilding and preparing to run again. And I liked my new job so much, I called Chris and encouraged him to apply. His cubicle is right by mine now.

I've been well for almost a year now. I'm still not sure I'll ever catch up on everything I missed out on, and my house might never be clean again. But I'm well. I feel better. I have a good job where I'm valued. Now, if would just stop snowing...