It has come to my attention that some of my life's expectations are unrealistic. For instance, I've finally recognized that I will never be an Olympic gymnast or figure skater. And I can probably take trapeze artist off that list, as well. In fact, as I think of the things I believed I would become/do, but never will, the list is not short:
1. House flipper
2. Skydiver
3. Famous musician
4. Some sort of artist--maybe a sculptor
5. Mathematician
6. Inventor of a thing no one can do without
7. Writer
8. Explorer
9. Archaeologist
10. Therapist
11. Big rig driver
12. Software developer
13. Meteorologist
14. Journalist
15. News Anchor
16. Radio DJ
17. Audiobook Narrator
18. Chef
19. Chocolate consultant
20. Dog surfing instructor
21. Waterslide or amusement park ride testor
22. Island caretaker
23. Pilot (plane AND helicoptor)
As I said, long list.
Naturally, some of the careers had to go because with two bionic hips, the chance of on-the-job injury would increase exponentially (gymnast...skydiver... ). Some had to go because I just don't have enough years left to finish the necessary schooling/training. Or because I've finally figured out I don't have the natural talent and/or the drive necessary to accomplish them. Some have lost their appeal. And there are the ones that require enormous amounts of cash or luck to achieve them. But the real truth is, I'm no longer certain that I can do anything I choose, regardless of what it is.
This leaves me wondering what, if anything, is left. There are still things on that list that I would do if the obstacles were removed, and others I would add if I put more time and thought into it. I've never been altruistic or the list would have things like Peace Corps, service missions, or other volunteer work. That's not to say I don't give service when I can. It's just not part of my bucket list. Natalie wants to save the world. She would clean oceans, build schools, and cure all disease. I prefer testing amusement park rides and eating chocolate. Clearly, we're not cut from the same cloth.
Maybe what it boils down to is the feeling that there is an expiration date on my life's adventures. Hmm...I don't love that.
I still feel a need to climb mountains and explore caves. Deep sea diving seems like something I would enjoy. Or maybe just snorkeling in shallow water. I'm not supposed to skydive, but paragliding seems like a good option. Or maybe riding in a hot air balloon. And I still want to see the world. I'd absolutely hike through Europe and be the old lady who sleeps in youth hostels and eats bologna sandwiches. Or maybe peanut butter. I don't love bologna.
As I look over my list, the feeling that I still want to do many of those things is persistent. And I know I can't. It's not possible for anyone, let alone someone halfway through life.
Aaron is ready to settle down for the rest of his life. Retirement with occasional fishing trips and vacations sounds like a great life to him. It just sounds boring to me. I'm wondering how he'll feel about being dragged along on my pending adventures. I'm wondering how I'll feel about convincing him he wants to be dragged along.
A wise person would acknowledge that there will have to be some sort of compromise. It's unfair of me to assume what I want is better than Aaron's desire for the next 50 years to be filled with relaxation and serenity. Still, fair is not something I do well. Nor is compromise. And wisdom isn't even a possibility for me. It is a mystery how I have remained married as long as I have. A less patient man would have left long ago.
In the meantime, I'm gearing up for my next adventure. I don't know what it is yet, but I'm doing it. I'm thinking I might need to purchase a couple of motorcycles and do a cross-country trip with someone. Aaron already said he's out, but I'm betting Natalie will go with me. Aaron can go fishing while we're gone. And sit in a recliner. And sleep. He really likes to sleep.
