Monday, April 20, 2015

"...the poets are at their windows because it is their job for which they are paid nothing every Friday afternoon..." -- Billy Collins

My post titles very rarely have anything to do with the content following them. Most of the time I just write whatever words are circling inside my head. I like them. I don't, however, want to write a post about them, so they just go at the beginning, and I write whatever follows-- pertinent or not.

Natalie wants to plant flowers this spring. We haven't done this for nearly three years. We've just allowed the perennials to fill the tiny garden space in our front yard as we've spent the summers traveling or catching up on other things. Our annual tradition used to be that I would take my kids to the greenhouse and allow them to choose five or six plants each. Then we would go home and plant them. There was no landscaping scheme to follow-- we simply placed the tallest plants behind the shorter ones, then waited a couple of weeks for the flowers to bloom. Chris was less enthusiastic about this than Alex and Natalie, but he's always marched to the beat of a different, but very lovely, drummer.

It would be nice to return to the planting tradition, haphazard though it is. I love having flowers in front of my house, mixed in with tomatoes and herbs. As my children have grown to adulthood, though, I'm noticing that while they miss many of our traditions-- some of which were instituted simply to occupy small hands and abundant energy-- they don't really want them. I understand that. There are many things I did as a child that were fun and I miss them, but I'm okay if I don't do them anymore. We'll see how Nat's enthusiasm holds out as planting time approaches.

I'm trying the 30-20-10 training program for running for the next few weeks. It's supposed to have better overall results than just running and I need to increase my stamina. The theory is that one begins with a slow run (30 seconds), amps up to a moderate run (20 seconds), followed by a 10-second sprint. This is repeated five times and sandwiched between a moderate 1K run. It's not as long as what I'm used to, and I'm a little nervous that I won't be able to run for as long if I don't continue doing it regularly, but my PT assures me that this will allow me to run longer and with less effort because it's pushing my cardio fitness to a higher level. I'm not sure I believe her. She also thinks I should lift a 25-pound weight (three sets of 12) with one arm while maintaining perfect plank position with my other three limbs. Form is everything, she tells me. I would glare at her, but I'm too busy maintaining position and staring at the floor... and trying not to die.

I'm hoping the spring snow gets tired of hanging around soon. It will take 2-3 days for the ground to dry out enough for me to run on the ridge, but I'm antsy to get up there. A couple of weeks ago tiny wildflowers were carpeting the trails. I want to see them again.

On a side-note, I'm still not having great luck managing PTSD. Nightmares are rampant, and today I was trying to manage panic attacks among other things. It's frustrating. Someone posted an article on Facebook about vets with PTSD, how they don't get adequate care, and how their suicide rates are lamentable. I'm not a vet. I'm just a rape survivor. I read their stories and mine is paltry by comparison. That doesn't make the PTSD go away, though. Nothing makes it go away. Nathan tells me I'm amazing-- that the things I do to manage the symptoms are "simply awesome." Then he tells me maybe it's time for me to find a "self-project" to help fill some of the void I'm feeling right now. I'm not sure what that means, quite honestly. I'm a little bit afraid to pursue it. I have a habit of being extreme when it comes to creating/finishing assignments he gives me. I have no idea what I will end up with should this "self-project" come to fruition. I have a feeling it will be frightening.

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