Sunday, May 17, 2015

"You can't patch a wounded soul with a Band-Aid." -- Michael Connelly

Especially me, because I'm allergic to Band-Aid adhesive.

I had a very long chat with a friend yesterday. We met about a year ago and have spent some time getting to know each other. I'm always surprised when I actually connect with a person also feels connection with me. This was one of those times when we both realized we have a great deal in common, we like to talk, and we like to listen. That last part is rare. Anyway, it's a good idea for me to meet new people. I think, for someone with my kind of life, it takes the heat off people who have been supporting me for a long time.

When we met I told my new friend that, in order for me to sustain friendships, I have to be in contact with people regularly. If we're not, it doesn't mean I won't talk or socialize with the person. It just means I'm not able to share and confide. It's impossible for me to develop a trust threshold that allows me to do so. Aaron says it's weird to tell new friends those kinds of things. I think it's vital. And it also gives that person a chance to run away if they need to before we decide we love each other forever. Aaron says that's a little weird, too. I would have to agree.

Anyway, this friend understands PTSD on a level that many others do not. I need friends who do not have PTSD, but still understand when I'm struggling. I also need someone who will let me laugh and cry and be available when those moments happen. Usually that person is Aaron, but he was gone yesterday. And yesterday turned out to be one of those unexpectedly awful days.

This isn't going to be a post about PTSD exclusively, but sometimes I will post about it. It's a part of my life right now. I don't believe, contrary to what I've been told by medical and psychological experts--because why would I believe them? I'm Dian. I choose who/what I will become--that this is a lifelong disorder. I think at some point I will figure out how to make it through all the emotions (scary!) and become less overwhelmed by the symptoms I now deal with. And I just have to say, that moving through those emotions by myself is terrifying. So I'm pretty grateful to that friend who allows me to call on a whim, or who catches me online and stays with me. And I know you read this blog. I'm saying thank you again.

I awoke this morning feeling almost normal, which means I woke up feeling like I needed to get outside and go for a run. The weather, however, is telling me to wait. It's still less than forty degrees, cloudy, and the wind is blowing. Also, a rest day might be a good idea for me. I usually hear the songbirds in the morning, but today the seagulls are out in abundance, their louder cries distracting me from the conversational chirping outside my window. We're supposed to get rain today. I would like that.

Aaron attempted apricot jam yesterday. He reads directions--usually several times and aloud at high volume, which sends the rest of us running for cover. Chris called Aaron while he was in the middle of jam making, with an auto emergency. I said I'd finish the jam. That's when I found out that Aaron did NOT read the instructions correctly. I did what I could to remedy the mistakes, and I think we ended up with a good product. It tastes good, anyway. Apricot jam usually takes a few days to become jam. We had waffles with apricot jam in the syrup stage Friday night.

Natalie pointed out to me yesterday that I've marked the wrong week on my calendar for Summer Music Institute. It's June 14-20th, rather than the week before. This means I might actually get to attend my nephew's wedding. It depends, of course, on Aaron's job prospects. If they're looking slim, I might stay home anyway, just to ease our budget. Still, it's nice to know I might be able to go. Also nice to know I have an extra planning/recuperation week before I have to teach.

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