This blog has been around for many years. I've written in it sporadically but not religiously mostly because I am, by nature, not a person who wishes to tell people who I am. There are many reasons for this, but most of them stem from experiences with childhood molestation and eventual rape. Those kinds of things don't lend themselves to building an emotionally healthy adult.
About a decade ago, a number of unexpected life events catapulted me to a place where I had to get help. And so I did. And it was awful, exhausting, painful, and daunting. It took an enormously long time to finally come to a place where I could say I was better. During that time, I assumed a blognym and poured out my emotions and experiences in one main blog and several smaller ones. It was there that I could say what I needed to say without worry that someone would be hurt or would take my experience and personalize it, thus annulling my need to talk or feel or just be self-centered for a moment while I figured out what I needed to heal.
Last year I began to feel those blogs winding down. I began by shutting down all the smaller ones, and in November I closed the main blog. I gave myself a few months to think about whether or not I still wished to write and if so, what that would look like.
I preface this post with all that past history because in the end, my answer was yes, I do want to write. I want to continue blogging. But I want to do it in my own name, in this space. I want to be who I am. That means that I might occasionally reference past events or talk about things in my life that have influenced me. And some of those might touch on therapy, abuse, sexual molestation, and rape.
While I don't believe that this will happen often, I think it's fair to give warning of this. My life is better today-- I am better today-- thanks to loving family members; staunch, supportive, nonjudgmental friends (many of whom I met through the blogging community); The Big Guy who rides shotgun in my car and chats with me often (mostly telling me what I need to do better, but always reminding me that He loves me); and an amazing therapist who allowed me to figure things out for myself, but also was very certain to let me know when I was being stupid.
So what are my plans for this blog? I have no idea.
I suppose this blog, like all the others I have written, is for me. It's a place to record things I find funny or aggravating or joyful or beautiful. I need a place to say what I think. This is it. When I'm writing, I don't often think about anyone else seeing my words, but the fact that I'm putting them here says that I also don't care if what I write is read by others. So should you stumble upon my blog and read my words, I hope you'll say hello and link your own blog so that I may visit you. And if you like being here, I hope you will come back.